{real advice for my single friends}

“all the single ladies! all the single ladies. all the single ladies.” when i was in china a couple months ago, my new korean friends made me sing beyoncé hits at a karaoke bar. that’s a whole different story. i’ll get into that some other time.

To all my single friends:

Would you just shut up?! Quit your bitching- go out, dance, get hammered and live it up. I’m not going to lie, I am extremely lucky and the happiest girl in the world to have been able to find my soul mate, BUT when I was single– I wasn’t sure at that point that life could get any better! Without my singleness, I would not be the classy bitch I am today. (No, that’s false. I’m not classy. but seriously) It was so much fun and one of the best times of my life. My best friend and I seriously laughed so hard we peed ourselves daily. We danced in the living room, drank endless bottles of wine, made friends with our weird neighbors upstairs, and our nails were always so nicely manicured! We would seriously sit there and talk about how “this was the time of our lives and how sad we would be when it ended.” Oh jeez. We were dimes back in the day! Dimes! (it’s better when you say that last phrase in a Brooklyn accent) Anyway, here’s what you need to do:

{DISCLAIMER: I am not liable for any unfortunate situations resulting from my advice such as, but not limited to: peeing in public, peeing on someone, any alcohol related violation, severe embarrassment, punching someone in the face or unwanted pregnancy} too much?? read on…

  • Seriously, stop looking for a soul mate. Men notice when you’re obsessed with finding someone to marry. Honestly, you just look desperate and it’s embarrassing. So save yourself the trouble and just forget about it. As far as you know, your future could mean a house full of cats and a hair net. So stop.

 

  • Despise men. About right at the time I met the love of my life, I seriously thought that men were the most disgusting, stupid and selfish things on the planet. They think their private parts are like the coolest things ever and it’s annoying. And weird. Okay, some of this is still true.

 

  • Have fun with your girlfriends. If some of them aren’t single, then find some single ones. Go to Forever21 and get a cute, cheap (not cheap looking) outfit, drink a bottle of moscato while you’re getting ready, and hit the town. Embarrass yourself. End up at a dive bar on a Sunday with a man named Otis eating deer meat. Who cares?

 

  • Workout. Train for something. Build some confidence. Excel at your job. It sucks to hear, but you’re never going to be happy with someone else if you’re not happy with yourself. So, start feeling good about yourself! It’s not hard. You can be as selfish as you want!

 

  • Quit obsessing about getting married. Honestly girls, it’s weird when you’re pinning stuff on pinterest about your future wedding and children when the only boy in your life is your weird little lap dog. To me, it’s just not socially acceptable.

 

  • Quit talking yourself into liking someone. If you even have to contemplate it, it’s just not right. You should be so caught up in someone that you don’t even realize 2 months have gone by and that you’ve been inseparable.

 

  • Don’t send pictures of yourselves to random guys that are requesting it! Douchebags. And stop taking pictures of yourself lying down. That’s just fuc*ing weird. You know what, just stop taking pictures of yourselves in general trying to look ‘sexy.’

 

  • If all of the above offends you or seems impossible, I nor anyone can help you.

If that’s not a recipe for success, I don’t know what it is!

{i really don’t know why were single for so long!}

see, now that we’re no longer single, we’re much more grown-up:

follow my advice and it will someday lead to this: (or maybe not?)

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